My experience: How I am learning to live, with help from Hostage International, since my partner was taken hostage and murdered.

On July 23, 2024, Anna who lives in Poland learned that her partner, Alex, was murdered following the 7 October 2023 attacks. She had spent months desperately trying anything she could to find and save him, and then after hearing that he had been killed, she realised that she had to find some way of living her life again. She found peace in and near water, in walking, and it was later, in early 2026, that she found invaluable support from Hostage International. 

After Alex wasn’t alive anymore, life continued but it felt like a curse, and it was difficult to find a purpose. I spent much time not talking about it, but humans are not made to live in silence, and I needed to find someone to talk to. It was impossible to be silent. As such, I want to share my story here with people who want to hear. 

I shared my life with Alex from 2016, but despite that, from a legal perspective I was a nobody, and it made an already cruel situation even more complicated and delicate. 

For a long time, my body would continuously tremble from the trauma of missing Alex. There was a period where I would look for every idea or solution, any information about Alex that could be verified or checked, in my desperation to find him. It was around February 2024 when I realised that I was coming up with nothing and no more ideas; it was the most horrible time for me.

I crashed and felt that I couldn’t continue in this way, and I realised I needed professional assistance. I reached out for help, but my local psychological centre that I contacted said that what I had been through meant that I was ‘out of scope’ for their services, and I was directed to a psychiatrist. 

I was prescribed medication, which helped me to better observe my body and my mind. I realised that the trembling had been a result of the shock. In trauma your body becomes a recipient of the mind, so I started to observe my body too. My body and mind often felt like two separate beings, and I needed to get things back together. 

In early August 2024, I went to Alicante, Spain, to visit friends. At first, I just wanted a change of scenery and to take my mind off everything – I was utterly exhausted. By then, I already knew that Alex had been murdered. That summer was a black hole. I started keeping a notebook and recording current events. I couldn’t wrap my head around that abyss. One day, I waded into the Mediterranean until the water reached eye level, and I remember looking straight ahead—toward Israel—asking, “Alex, where are you?” The helplessness choked the breath from me. I preferred to submerge myself completely, head and all.

Finding ways to heal

Throughout this time, I’ve spent a lot of time on, in, or near water and I find it brings a sense of calm. 

There is a lake near my home that I used to bike to, and it was there that I discovered how healing it could be to spend time near water. Sometimes I would lie for hours on a small wooden jetty stretching out over the lake. When I enter the water, it feels like a human embrace and gives me a deep sense of calm. The effect is not always immediate, but whenever I am near or immersed in water, I gradually begin to feel a positive change.

It was around those early days on the jetty that I also had the idea that I needed to walk, a path to follow, without any purpose or company but to have time alone while keeping moving. I realised that I couldn’t keep my body inert; I needed movement and found it impossible to stay still. This was my reaction to Alex being murdered. I sometimes left the house at night and just kept walking.

In May 2025, I decided to walk the Camino de Santiago in Spain. I realised that, throughout this time, I hadn’t stopped from everything that needed doing, but that I needed time alone. I didn’t want company but would go and walk, eat and sleep, and walk alongside or near people but without any need to engage. 

I was so happy to walk and I felt safe. The path was well signposted and while I was surrounded by people, I was able to find a positive solitude. The route was like a mirror and helped me to observe my body and mind and feelings and helped bring it all back together. It was incredibly important and helped me to learn that in extreme situations nature gives us tools to survive. 

While following the Camino route, I was able to reflect on what I had been through so far, but it made me stronger and I started to feel that I had tools at my disposal that I could use to not only continue along the route, but my life in general. 

On top of this, when I came back, I realised that in any extraordinary situation you need people to help you exit the hopelessness, but not random people. It is crucial to meet people who give support, and experts who could confirm that I wasn’t crazy!

I remember finding and contacting Hostage International. I felt that their case manager, Jim, quickly understood these incredible feelings of loneliness. The context of Alex’s murder had deepened my trauma. I had a personal trauma but that was on top of a burden of a political, social, religious, and complicated conflict. All of this together was making me feel like I was going mad, but I remember Jim reassuring me and helping me to realise that these feelings were normal against the backdrop of everything I’d been through. 

I know that Alex would want me to be safe and he would want me to preserve his memory. He was incredibly kind and we had the most amazing relationship and friendship, but I still struggle with huge guilt around when he was taken; we had had a disagreement about my not travelling with him. I was juggling work, my son moving schools, and I simply had too much on, and for some reason we couldn’t see eye to eye on this. I needed to be with my son, and it was about the first time that Alex and I had ever had such a strange exchange. Then 7 October happened. I still feel so much guilt. We had spent years in a perfect relationship. Alex was such a generous man, and I only have good memories of Alex, except this overwhelming guilt from our last exchange. 

I know that Alex would say that I must live and continue my life and I do have a feeling of protection and a sense that he is keeping an eye on me. On top of this, Hostage International has helped so much, by listening and being there, around helping me to understand and to help come to terms with some of these feelings of guilt, and also by providing me with expert psychological therapy. I couldn’t be living this life now without their help. With their support, I have found my purpose and I now feel strong enough to build a ‘normal’ existence and look to the future, determined in my choice to live.

Anna and Alex in 2018

Anna with Alex at a friend’s wedding reception in September 2018. The couple were dancing but her headband was bothering her so Alex grabbed it and started making funny faces and laughing around. Anna said: “We both loved this photo.”

October 2026

Hostage International’s support is neutral and impartial, regardless of the nationality or country of residence of the hostage or family member. We support people affected by hostage situations and arbitrary detentions abroad. If you have been moved by this blog and feel the need to contact us for support, please do so here: https://www.hostageinternational.org/get-in-touch/